Bloody Twins: Songs for the Separation of the Soul Longing for Life After Death

by Brian Smith

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about

Bloody Twins is the story of the separation of the soul longing for life after death. As is written in the speech of Aristophanes told in Plato's Symposium, the souls of all beings were originally connected at the back forming one body made up of two heads, four arms, four legs, and so on. It became inherent that these beings could not be content with what they owned for soon their thirst for power lead them on a violent quest for the throne. As battles erupted among them, the gods up on Mount Olympus became fearful for their home and safety. Zeus devised a plan to avoid such an overthrow; a lightning bolt to pierce them, splitting these beings in half to always search for their other half or what is more commonly known as the soulmate. This split distracted them from their conquest for they soon became enraptured in the action of finding the one whom they believed to be their other half.

To put this in a personal perspective, these songs are about the separation from one once believed to be my other half until a certain reality was discovered making such impossible. These are songs of longing for something once attainable; songs of certainty for what is not rather than what is; these are songs surely felt by all of humanity at some point in time through similar circumstances. While I no longer feel the same emotions expressed in these songs, I felt it necessary to go forth in creating this album as a chronology of who I once was as an ever-evolving individual. And so I put down the sword and picked up the hammer; now I put down the hammer and pick up from where I left off.

All songs written from October 2010 to April 2011 and performed, recorded, mixed, mastered, and produced from March 2011 to November 2011. All work on this album including cover art and assembly done by Brian Smith. More music can be found at facebook.com/brianericsmithmusic.
I couldn’t possibly thank everyone individually on here, so instead I’d simply like to thank all of my friends and family for support and ultimately you for purchasing and/or listening to this album. Thank you.

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released November 11, 2011

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Brian Smith Portland, Oregon

Brian Smith is a geofolk musician on an endless tour around the world.

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Track Name: Thirst For Compassion
You’re quite surprised by her kindness as she offers you the tower
Among the beauty disguised as garbage, she’s the lady of the flowers
And she’ll fill your heart with warmth while it’s hers that you desire
And the moment’s all you have though you’d wish that it would last forever

And she leads you to the water and invites you to sit beside her
As you imagine the allure that she creates with her painted, pointed fingers
And she addresses you as an equal though you know you’re far beneath her
For she shines a certain light that you’ve only seen when gazing upon the stars

And as you embrace her in that instance and mean to confess what you’ve been yearning
You turn your back to the thought in fear that you are not worthy
For you are but a stranger in her artificial desert
And as you hold her like a cradle in your arms, you know that you are completely satisfied

And the people watching’s perfect from your position in the darkness
As you drink from paper bags bought on a fraudulent thirst for compassion
And you’re right where you want to be for it’s she who sits beside you
And she walks you without her shoes beneath the lake lights and reels you into her world

And she lets you lie beside her and feel as though you are her lover
As she kisses the very hand of the arm that’s wrapped around her
And you don’t want her to leave you when it’s you who must be going
From some endless nights of song and laughter to your seldom dwelling in the valley

And as you embrace her in that instance and mean to confess what you’ve been yearning
You turn your back to the thought in fear that you are not worthy
For you are but a stranger in her artificial desert
And as she holds you like a cradle in her arms, you know that you are completely satisfied
Track Name: Some Other Form of Rapture
In the driest of all shorelines, you’ve come as a stranger
Invited to take your seat, as the special guest of honor
But you are but a peasant who’s come looking for your lover
And she’s wrapped up in the scenery so your heart goes off to join her
And you listen very hard for you’re searching for that endless ocean
As the ships float so freely you wonder from where and to they’re going
And when you thought you’d found solitude, you become entangled amongst the jugglers
So you call out to them “hey that’s not the traditional use for fire!”
but you get no answer

And you’re so afraid to see your heart be recycled once again
For what once was so sacred will soon be but another numbered transaction
And you hoped that it would get easier with the further you move apart
But soon you will find she may have left your side, but she’ll always be in your heart

Now your love takes many forms and currently it is not human
As you stand atop the cliffside and question all that you’ve been doing
And when you thought you were happy or at least moderately content
You realize you were but a punchline to a joke at your expense
And you want to leave your tiny kingdom in hopes your past won’t follow
For if you could do just that, maybe you wouldn’t feel so hollow
As it’s not what you’re going to, but rather what you are leaving
For once you were so in love with the life that you are living
But now that love is missing

And you’re so afraid to see your heart be recycled once again
For what once was so sacred will soon be but another numbered transaction
And you hoped that it would get easier with the further you move apart
But soon you will find she may have left your side, but she’ll always be in your heart

And now you find yourself a vagabond who’s come searching for a master
Searching for a dream to follow or some other form of rapture
But you don’t see from the position of the throne, which you once did
The king of dissatisfaction with a wanderlust you’re bound to circumvent
And it’s inherent now that you can’t even be content with what you own
For ignorance can make you happy, but curiosity will take your soul
And as you gaze off in the distance of where you’ve been and where you’ll be
You realize the holy life in which you’ve come to is but the shadow
Of the one you’d wish to lead

And you’re so afraid to see your heart be recycled once again
For what once was so sacred will soon be but another numbered transaction
And you hoped that it would get easier with the further you move apart
But soon you will find she may have left your side, but she’ll always be in your heart
Track Name: The Other Cheek
I love you, I hate you, I need you, I need you to leave
Oh is this my reward for wearing my heart on my sleeve?
And I want you so badly that I’m destroying every memory of you
It’s the craziness of love that causes me to act as I do
Yes it’s that craziness of love that causes me to act as I do

And I see that you’ve moved, you’ve moved onto another way to live
A woman for you with the kind of love you wouldn’t let me give
So I sit in this silence confined to these walls I’ve torn bare
And I call for you constantly but I know now you’ll never be there
Yes I call for you constantly but I know now you’ll never be there

So I’ve turned in my notice, my independence written in blood
And it wasn’t in haste for I think you’d agree that this just can’t go on
For I can’t continue to hurt you to make you feel the same pain as me
For it isn’t fair to your lover to always have to kiss the other cheek
Yes it isn’t fair to your lover to always have to kiss the other cheek

Now I await your return knowing fully that you’ll never be around
And I can sing out these passions so loudly but you won’t hear the sound
For you’ve stopped the recording, you’ve left it, and you’ve set yourself free
And I’m chained to the love, the love that is no longer for me
Yes I’m still chained to the love, the love that is no longer for me
Track Name: Love Is Not Enough
Oh love is not enough I have found
Yeah love is not enough I have found
And my hopes were raised so high, they were bound to come down
And it’s hard to be the one to bury your old beliefs underground

Oh but it’s true that everyone you knew who told you I was wrong for you was right
It’s a fact I despise
And then I chose the easy route, to step off the stage after one last bow saying, “thank you goodnight!”
And I’ll regret it all my life

And they say hindsight is 20/20 and it’s all coming back to me
The nostalgic memories and the promises we thought we could keep
Oh so thank you for your love, for the time you invested in me
And I wish it were enough then for now that’s all that I need

And another to take your place surely one day will come
But my heart will no the difference for it’s not quite so young (anymore)
And you I held so high and with such regard
Yeah I was a lost shepherd coming home and you were my north star
Oh but I know it never seemed that way, I never acted according to what I’d say but instead
I’d play the victim
And I’m surprised you stayed with me so long as I denied that anything was wrong and you died
Slowly from inside

And they say hindsight is 20/20 and it’s all coming back to me
The nostalgic memories and the promises we thought we could keep
Oh so thank you for your love, for the time you invested in me
And I wish it were enough then for now that’s all that I need
Track Name: An Offering
She gives her love as an offering as she kneels down before you
And she seems to understand the entire life that you’ve been through
But you know she couldn’t possibly for you’re merely projecting all your stories
Though you feel that you can trust her when she says you shouldn’t worry
And she offers to satisfy all of your bodily desires
But it’s not her body in these moments that yours does require
For your love is with another who is no longer in your mirror
Though you wish with the deepest longing that your hearts could be nearer

And surely there are plenty who could make you completely happy
So that you forget who you are for you can’t stop your laughing
But among all the millions that could make you feel like this
You can’t help but searching for the love that will make you the happiest

And in these moments as she lies before you with her body completely naked
You want to tell her everything but you know exactly how she would take it
For you’ve dove deep into a love that you’re now unable to return
Though when you close your eyes you’ll always kiss the lips of those for which you yearn
But it’s not merely that easy for her heart is not imagined
And it’s longing just to be with yours though it may seem hard for you to fathom
And as you sink deep within yourself with the world’s weight upon your shoulders
You wonder how long your body can endure while pushing such a mighty boulder

And surely there are plenty who could make you completely happy
So that you forget who you are for you can’t stop your laughing
But among all the millions that could make you feel like this
You can’t help but searching for the love that will make you the happiest
Track Name: To Make It Up To You
I see my heart protruding, its weight upon a crutch
Its gratification so dependent upon a warm body to touch
Does it really matter whom? Just another’s hopes to lift
But the offer is not in your favor for you’ll leave with less than you had when you came in
And my reactions rest solely upon yours to that of mine

Oh let me make it right
Let me show you that I realize
That one’s behaviors are not self-contained
For they affect all those who share the stage
And I only wish to make it up to you
And you can put your trust in me
For I no longer wish to be what you’ve seen
And you can’t forgive enough to forget
But I only wish for one last chance
Yeah I only wish to make it up to you

And your heart is represented by all the goodness that can be
And mine is but the remnants of the ideals I could never reach
So do you want all these old maps to the places that I’ve never been?
Or would you rather the keys to the castle built on a foundation made of sand?
And I only want to see you happy for nothing would please me more

Oh let me make it right
Let me show you that I realize
That one’s behaviors are not self-contained
For they affect all those who share the stage
And I only wish to make it up to you
And you can put your trust in me
For I no longer wish to be what you’ve seen
And you can’t forgive enough to forget
But I only wish for one last chance
Yeah I only wish to make it up to you

Now I stand as stiff as a statue; petrified to recall the past
I’m on the bow of a sinking ship and your lifeboat is the last
And I understand that your charity is a virtue that I don’t deserve
Well I don’t expect it to be there always just as I would be surprised if mine had any worth
And now my value is in your hands; I cast my hopes to thee

Oh let me make it right
Let me show you that I realize
That one’s behaviors are not self-contained
For they affect all those who share the stage
And I only wish to make it up to you
And you can put your trust in me
For I no longer wish to be what you’ve seen
And you can’t forgive enough to forget
But I only wish for one last chance
Yeah I only wish to make it up to you
Track Name: The Great Welcoming Back to Earth
I watched a dear friend dying though I never saw him dead
His thin hair receded to form a halo around his head
And I stood there in silence as memories rippled through my mind
For it seemed we had all become equals with mortality by our sides
And we offered up our questions; our explanations for what had occurred
As we had witnessed the great takeoff; the great welcoming back to earth
And tears of joy were falling at the thought of him not in pain
Followed by tears of sorrow knowing he’d never be with us again

And the lights went out on the 13th floor that night
As I saw him close his eyes for the last time
And how I wanted to join him in the fate that he had met
But upon requesting the almighty permission,
I was told it was not my time yet

I attended the gathering of the mourning as a crowd of strangers sat and stared
Adorning their finest garments for which he had never known them to wear
He was used there for a sermon; claimed as a saint for all to live up to
And while I’d like to think the latter, this was not the same man I knew
And the mourners got their turn as their tears flowed into feast
While I questioned the sin of gluttony they consumed all the foods he could not eat
And I soon departed in a hurry astonished by what I had heard and seen
For I couldn’t help but recollect my final moments before his release

And the lights went out on the 13th floor that night
As I saw him close his eyes for the last time
And how I wanted to join him in the fate that he had met
But upon requesting the almighty permission,
I was told it was not my time yet
I was told it was not my time yet
I was told it was not my time yet
Track Name: The Other Side
Oh get me out of this awful place
For I have seen the alternative and I like her face
She’s a refreshing deviation and she makes my life seem so empty
For knowing just that she exists,
That there’s another way in which to live
Makes me wonder why I’ve chosen to dwell in such a detour

For I’ve seen the other side and there is another life
Well there’s this one and the one with her
Oh and all paths have many forks and I wish I could be more sure
Which one will be the happiest

Now I believe nothing so strongly that I would deem it proof
Though there is an objective form of truth
But on a first name basis we have never been acquainted
Oh but surely though true love can’t be erased
For I’ve had it once, it’s just been misplaced
And now my heart has formed the beginnings of a callus

For I’ve seen the other side and there is another life
Well there’s this one and the one with her
Oh and all paths have many forks and I wish I could be more sure
Which one will be the happiest

So she speculate that I’ve grown cold
But I’ve always had this poor blood flow
It’s just my actions catching up to my biology
And I’m no longer anchored to her hip
It’s that same place as that mark on her skin
But I might as well be for I can’t help but draw comparisons

For I’ve seen the other side and there is another life
Well there’s this one and the one with her
Oh and all paths have many forks and I wish I could be more sure
Which one will be the happiest
Track Name: Good Intentions
I returned to the creek, the one I did seek to rediscover the heart that was yours
I was hoping to find myself at the time to share my knowledge of the storm
That I had encountered, but after the laughter I wished that I had been forewarned
And I saw I stood waiting, so I approached hesitating but nothing could have
prepared me for the thorns

And I saw my life before my eyes
I saw how it was and always will be
The decisions I made, my poor choice of fate
My memories I’d rather not see
And will I ever return to that place where I learned
How to love and to think that I’m free?
And I’ve made the profession of asking the question
“When I think of her is she thinking, thinking of me?”

But I wouldn’t listen and no matter how persistent I was, I still could not get through
I had seen my fate, but I still couldn’t relate; I was bound to see my life be reviewed
And those thorns in my sides got deeper as I tried and knew that it just was no use
My mistakes cast to stone was a sight I’d behold for I couldn’t reason with what I could not undo

And I saw my life before my eyes
I saw how it was and always will be
The decisions I made, my poor choice of fate
My memories I’d rather not see
And will I ever return to that place where I learned
How to love and to think that I’m free?
And I’ve made the profession of asking the question
“When I think of her is she thinking, thinking of me?”

So I walked away from my childish ways, myself then had too much to learn
And I knew all about the way it’d turn out, my heart taking up its residence in an urn
It was a lesson I guess, one I certainly detest, but at least now I know how to yearn
For a love I once had that will never come back; our bodies forever adjourned

And I saw my life before my eyes
I saw how it was and always will be
The decisions I made, my poor choice of fate
My memories I’d rather not see
And will I ever return to that place where I learned
How to love and to think that I’m free?
And I’ve made the profession of asking the question
“When I think of her is she thinking, thinking of me?”
Track Name: Departure
Oh the hearts that are most open are most likely to be broken
And I’ve seen them in all forms longing for others to gently hold them
Yes I’ve been where you stand; I’ve lived the life that you lead
And I had a heart like yours but now it’s migrated from my sleeve
And I feel just as you do, I confess it to thee
I’ve kissed the lips of a stranger in attempt to be freed
From the bonds of your name that have shackled this heart
Which echo that only by death shall we ever part
And now you’re free as a bird and they all fly away
And while some may return, they only seldom do stay
So I’ve built myself a prison, I’m confined to my thoughts
And while my memories remain, my longing’s is locked
So you now may roam, relieved from my will
To follow your own, with your soul to distill
Yes I was the toxin that clouded your eyes
And you were the essence you sought to purify
So I’ll mitigate these burdens, I’ll take my obstructions with me
And let you resume your salvation, let you continue your creed
For your path is determined, yes you’ve chosen it well
You know the results and yet you’re still quite compelled
To see these memories of me as they slowly fade away
And as a new tenant moves in and your love is displaced
And I’ve seen your future and I’m nowhere around
You were forewarned enough that these walls would surround
This fragile heart of mine that you’d like to have on a leash
But I too must depart with my vacant life I must lead
So I bid thee farewell when it’s you who must go
I’m just a layover in your life but I thought you should know
That I really did love you, but you know it all went wrong
And I still love you now, yet surely I don’t belong
For you’ve found other company; another’s heart for your own
You’ve found your own truth so you’ll do just fine alone
So I’ll step back into the shadows and return to where I’ve come
I’ll leave my memories at your doorstep to decorate your home
And I’ll keep to myself if I can try hard enough
For you no longer will use all this love I’ve saved up
So now the bonds have been broken; the strings have been cut
The door leading to us has finally been shut
And this broken heart of mine which you’ve left still remains
With the pieces distorted and it won’t fit together again
No not in the way that it was once before
It’s all weathered now and too cold to endure
And if you cut it in half, you can count love that it gave
For what my memory will block, my broken heart will choose to save
So as I step off the stage to play an extra in your life,
As I’m mentioned in passing maybe once or twice,
Just remember that I loved you from the day that we met
Know that I truly tried and that I never could forget
The way that you cared, it just can’t be matched
And there’s no other love for which I’d wish to be attached
Yes I bid thee farewell; this is truly the end
I tried hard to keep you, but I guess I’ll just never understand